The hard positive

Ok this is a hard one for me. I need to try very hard on this day.

I clearly remember the first New Years Eve after Josh died. In hubbys home village, sitting in the pub not drinking as I had the next little baby on the way. I was sitting there surrounded by family and friends thinking, "Get me out of here" We all sang outisde the pub to bring in the New Year as the snow started to fall.

Yes I can see the joy a New Year brings, but I always feel as though one is left in the old year, another year my son is not with me.

I did get excited about the snow, the tiny little flakes that fell.

The positive is hard to find, as one year goes it is hard.

Though I am aware that I don't have Josh in my arms, he is always with me. Our loves keeps us together. He will always be our baby, and thats the positive I keep with me on days that I struggle.

They year he turns 18 and I am looking to the positive.

The women I have been blessed with

I am blessed to have to wonderful women in my life

Today's positive is them

I have an amazing sister

The only one I have

She is my strength, my sounding board, my light when I need it

She also tells me the truth and gives me a kick up the butt every now and then

I also have one beautiful daughter

She is a women in the making

She opens my eyes to life everyday

I look at them both and see the blessings I have been given

Today's positive are the women who are my life

Girls you complete me.

So true

I could and did fall apart when Josh died

But I will never forget the question I was asked weeks after he died

"Where do you see yourself in five years"?

My reply was,

"With at least two children"

The professional was speechless.

Yes I was in a terrible place

I had held for 32 hours the joy of a baby I had birthed and I wanted it again

Yes 3 1/2 years later I had two more babies in my arms

I did know the joy babies brings into a family

but to bring one home to love and grow

showed me the great joy in a whole new life.

this little cup

this little cup is my morning positive

for when there is this little cup on the table

the table also has a dear friend and her little girl

a wonderful little girl who lights my world

there is nothing different about her than any other little girl

she is just a little girl who looks at everything as the two year old she is

star, animals, gifts, me and whatever is near her is special

she lights up the room and lights up my life

she loves her baycino and the marshmallows that come with it

she is my today positive

Pizza

Today's positive is the simple things in life.

For the next week it will be me and the kids alone.

We have never been alone, just the three of us for this long ever.

So we got a few DVDs and laughed together.

Dinner was homemade pizza.

Today's positive is the time with family and simple things.

It may be pizza and DVDs or walks and wine but do enjoy your positive.

Today's positive is my two living children.

Both are a wonderful blessing .

Boy child is the baby who came to show me love and light,

and did this at all hours of the day and night.

Girl child was a happy baby who showed me that life s full of smiles.

So today's positive is the gifts we are shown from by my children.

Love, light and laughter.

Another public holiday

Another public holiday

A day to catch up with all the things that I never get to

A time to linger longer

Of course no one has told our chooks

Yes they make noise!

Very early, like 5am

But the positive is they rejoice in the new day everyday

So today I am focusing on this new day and all it brings.

You learn who your friends are

A positive in losing a baby, is the friends you find that you never knew you had. The people who were there for us were amazing. Yes there were times I was alone in my grief, but there was always someone to send me positive love.





* a husband who went above and beyond like no Daddy should have to
* an ice-cream container of homemade biscuits
* a happy meal from my sister
* a carton of milk from a friend
* a school friend who asked about my son's birth
* a girl friends Mum, who had the strength to ask me "Why"
* a SIL who came to give my baby one last hug
* a nurse who was my SIL's sister who came to nurse me, and knew tears were good
* two siblings who did what I couldn't and spoke at the funeral for us
* the men in black, who came for my hubby.....you guys rock to this day
* a little boy who gave me 5 cents to make me better
I never was alone and I have real friends who did a small thing but made an amazing difference

Why a blog?

I am doing this blog to remind me of the positives in my life.

In 2012 it will be 18 years since my son was born and 18 years since he died.

I did fall apart and want to be with him, it was my hubby, my sister, a few friends, work mates and professionals who helped me make it to a happy place.

So I am going to do this blog for me and Josh, a place to realise that from trauma and tragedy comes love and light.

Enjoy the year with me and look at the positive with eyes open.